


Face it, We're the Space Power Rangers

by Ralee87



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: But it'll take at least 2 chapters to introduce her, But she says fuck you to gender stereotypes, F/F, F/M, Handjobs?, Hunk's first love is food, I love him, I wanna say that it's funny too but idk, I'm just having fun with it y'all, Keith suffers so much, Kissing, M/M, No Plot, Original character because I'm living vicariously so shut up, Self indulgent Drabble, Shiro is a poor broken space dad, Someone comes in chapter 4, because reasons, completely plotless, i guess, kinda porny I suppose, kinda porny's a classification right?, pidge is a girl, slow burn for all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-11-06 08:49:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11032782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ralee87/pseuds/Ralee87
Summary: Lance is a mostly oblivious, almost genius, smart-arsed, idiot.Keith wonders how a human being can be so fucking annoying and utterly endearing at the same time.Shiro is struggling between being the space dad everyone needs, and the anxious wreck of PTSD that he really isHunk considers the war to be that annoying thing he has to do in between culinary experimentation.Coran wonders how this collection of complete tools can possibly turn the tide of the Galra invasionAllura knows what she wantsPidge has no fucking idea what she wants.Emma wonders at the odds of running into someone from her garrison graduating class in deep fucking space of all places





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is really, really self indulgent. Basically my big plotless baby that'll probably just drop off into obscurity fairly quickly as I lose interest. But for now, I'm really enjoying myself!

"Lance? Second in command? You can't be serious." Allura stared at Keith, the disbelief in her tone echoed by the incredulous look on her face. Shiro's expression closely matched hers as he stared at the Red Paladin. Keith shrugged. 

"Why not? He's a better planner than me. My first response to any given situation is to basically break stuff until I get my way. Lance actually thinks about it first." He recalled all too clearly the confrontation on the Balmerra and how Lance had had to pull him back from charging in hell bent for leather. His suggestion of closing the hanger doors was by far better than Keith's initial response of 'let's just charge in and inflict some damage'. Allura had said herself that Keith's strength was his instinct, not his planning. That's why he was the Paladin of the Red Lion. 

"Yes but, he's just so..." Allura broke off, unable to immediately bring forth the appropriate word to describe everyone's favourite pain in the ass. 

"Just so Lance." Keith finished for her. "Look, I know. Believe me I know." And he did. After all, Lance had been going out of his way to aggravate and antagonise Keith from the very moment he'd interrupted Keith's rescue of Shiro, back on earth. 

Though according to Lance, they'd been rivals in class too. Not that Keith could remember, which he did feel a tiny bit bad about since Lance was clearly so hung up on it. He was pretty conflicted about Lance in general really, because although Lance pissed him off to no end, Keith found that he also really, REALLY, enjoyed the attention from the taller boy.

"I suppose he is pretty fearless too." Shiro pondered idly, recalling when they'd found the Blue Lion in the cave on earth. Lance had taken everything in his stride with aplomb. Shiro had felt pretty impressed at the time, but that had quickly been replaced with wondering what the fuck was happening, and why the hell was everyone asking him what to do? This general feeling of being way out of his depth had yet to pass.

Coran had been fluttering around the edges of the conversation and felt the need to add, rather unnecessarily, "He's sensitive and selfless as well. He got very homesick quite quickly, and he also knew that the bomb wasn't Rover before I did. Saved my life, remember?" He chirruped happily. 

Keith's eyebrows shot up. He hadn't known that Lance had gotten homesick. He'd known that Lance had saved Coran though, and the thought of the Blue Paladin all courageous and heroic made his stomach do queer little flips.

Allura meanwhile was listening to everyone speak Lance's praises, shocked to find herself almost being swayed.

"So, you all think Lance is capable of making the right decisions in a command position?" She asked them faintly, looking a bit bewildered to be discussing Lance, of all people, in a positive light. The group exchanged glances as they considered the actual reason that they had all been noting his good points. 

They were spared having to answer when the Blue Paladin in question came bouncing enthusiastically into the room, with Hunk closely on his heels. From the look of them both, they'd just come from the training rooms. Both were in their suits and had flushed and sweaty faces. Keith tried desperately not to obviously stare at Lance's shape in the form fitting attire, or the sheen of moisture on his face. Or the slightly pink cheeks. He failed.

"Hey guess what!" Lance exclaimed proudly, his eyes alight with excitement, "I can actually fit my whole Bayard in my mouth." And as if the statement wasn't enough to earn an exasperated groan from the group, he then proceeded to shove the entirety of his currently disabled weapon into his mouth. Keith felt his jaw drop open as he watched Lance's lips stretch and distort around the Bayard, his cheeks warping in an oddly angular fashion as the teen forced the object in. 

With a resigned sigh, Shiro spoke. "At this point it's not about whether he's capable of making good decisions or not, it's about whether he's likely to." He shook his head, not really surprised, but a little bit disappointed. Lance really did have a lot of potential. He was just so fucking stupid sometimes.

Lance, who was hunched over with the effort of feeding himself advanced alien weaponry, glanced up at Shiro's words and made a unintelligible hum that held the tone of inquiry. He looked about the whole group from beneath his lashes and Keith felt his heart skip when Lance's eyes fastened on his momentarily. He helplessly envisioned Lance peering up at him, looking almost exactly as he did now, all flushed and sweaty and fucking quiet for a change. Only the Lance in his head was kneeling between Keith's legs, and his mouth occupied by something that definitely was NOT a Bayard. He crossed his arms and tried to clear his head. Though his imagination seemed out to get him, he had to remember that this was LANCE, and that Lance rarely passed up an opportunity to be a total dick to him.

"We're making Keith the second in command." Allura told Lance in response to his unspoken question, not even bothering to clarify that he had in fact been very briefly, and ludicrously, considered for the position himself. She glanced past him to Hunk, and after a quick sweep of the space around them, fixed the gentle giant with a cute frown. "Where's Pidge?" She asked, as though the little green pocket rocket automatically went where Hunk and Lance did. To be fair, Pidge generally was with them as a kind of voice of reason against Lance's general idiocy and Hunk's gleeful encouragement. 

"Oh, she's down upgrading her Lion. Something about applying the invisible maze tech to enable a stealth mode. Sounds super badass." Hunk told the princess with a bright grin. Allura smiled delightedly, unsurprised at Pidge's innovation. Lance attempted to involve himself in the exchange but only succeeded in making a kind of strangled noise as a thin rope of dribble slid from the corner of his mouth and dangled from his jaw. 

Allura tried to hide her revulsion with a strained grimace before turning away, clearly showing how unimpressed she was by his display of oral dexterity. Shiro smirked as Lance scowled and looked up at him, wagging his eyebrows expectantly, with an indignant splutter and wild gesticulation at Keith. Shiro had no trouble understanding him despite the lack of articulation. None of them did really. Which was an indication of just how used to Lance's shit that they had all gotten.

"Because Keith doesn't eat his weapon to impress girls, that's why." Shiro replied to the boy's garbled question, grinning as Lance desperately tried to free up his tongue and lips to argue the point. Shiro merely shrugged, pat him rather condescendingly on the head, and turned away to engage Allura's attention to other matters. Realising that he'd been effectively dismissed despite his amazing new trick, Lance growled.

He turned a murderous gaze onto Keith, and as the Red Paladin watched him work the Bayard slowly and methodically back out of his mouth, he couldn't help but feel a little cheated by his team mates. Couldn't someone have at least mentioned that Keith had tried to palm the responsibility off onto Lance? Maybe then he wouldn't be forced to endure the eventual brunt of Lance's stupid sense of entitlement. After all, it was not Keith's fault that Lance was, well, a bit of an idiot really. 

As soon as the deadly piece of equipment popped free, with strings of saliva still connecting it to Lance's overworked gob, Lance rounded on Keith. He pointed a finger and sucked in a huge breath, a scathing remark ready on his lips. Keith's eyes rolled at the predictability of it. 

"How did you fit it all in there without gagging on it?" Hunk asked suddenly, eyeing the Bayard thoughtfully and completely taking the wind out of Lance's sails. Distracted from his Keith oriented tirade, the tall, gangly teen shrugged.

"I don't have a gag reflex, so you know." He answered casually. Hunk nodded with understanding, but Keith froze as his head helpfully supplied one of the reasons why not having a gag reflex would be incredibly useful, and stuffing a Bayard in your mouth wasn't it. He felt a rapid blush rise up his face at his own lewd thoughts and was overcome with the need to get the fuck out of dodge, before anyone could overthink his response to Lance's seemingly innocent explanation. 

"Jesus fucking Christ." He muttered under his breath as he bolted from the room, red faced and with a hot feeling deep in his abdomen. He had to go and do something, literally anything, to distract himself from just how much he wanted to shut Lance's stupid, practically never ceasing prattle up by scruffing the brunette moron by his silky looking hair, and shoving his dick forcefully into the other teen's mouth. 

Lance watched him go, his brow slightly furrowed. "What's his problem?" He asked his enormous friend, who merely raised a knowing eyebrow.

"Dude you are, legit, so stupid sometimes." Hunk told him with a smirk. 

"You're stupid sometimes." Lance responded automatically, frowning because he suspected that Hunk might be right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should mention that this is all unbeta'd.  
> I'm the grammar and spelling correcter and I fuck up a lot.  
> So you know, my bad and please don't hold it against me.

"But, it's not even a whole jacket! It can't possibly keep you warm enough!" Lance yelled at Keith, who stood hunched over with his arms crossed while Lance plucked and pulled at the item in question. Keith, whose bullshit tolerance was lower than usual today, shrugged him off, accidentally on purpose elbowing the idiot in the ribs a little bit.

"It's a perfectly serviceable jacket for fucks sake!" He growled irritably, but this only served to egg Lance on. The taller teen pushed himself into Keith's personal space, knowing that it would bother him. It was no secret by now, that Lance's favourite pass time was getting on Keith's nerves. He took extreme enjoyment out of goading the Red Paladin and getting under his skin. Keith's reactions never failing to rouse Lance's sense of delight.

"No it's not, it's just leaving your kidneys open to a chill and the color scheme is stupid too." Lance poked at the red panels, making Keith squirm. He'd sooner die than let Lance find out that he was ticklish. The Red Paladin shoved at the Blue.

"It's better than yours!" Keith shouted, though his words held no truth. He thought that Lance's jacket looked pretty warm and comfortable actually. Lance shoved him back.

"No way, mine's easily better. Yours sucks. Stupid half a jacket." He threw his hands out wide and looked to the ceiling, "Won't somebody please bring this poor orphan boy a whole jacket?" He cried woefully. The slight smirk on his lips was short lived as Keith finally tackled him to the floor with a grunt and an expletive. The wind knocked out of him for a moment, Lance stop talking and struggled beneath Keith's weight. Keith was torn between the heated realisation that he was actually straddling Lance -who was squirming red faced beneath him- and wanting to smack seven shades of bullshit out of the irritating, mouthy git.

Hunk had been watching the altercation with a kind of disassociated interest. His brow furrowed. "Hey Pidge," He asked the tiny little Green Paladin who was ignoring the others entirely and tapping away on her laptop, "Do you think Allura really chose our Lions because of the colour of our clothes?" 

"No that makes no sense, Alllura wouldn't...." But she trailed off as she contemplated it. It did seem a bit too coincidental that they just happened to match their lion's colour schemes. "Huh." The corner of her mouth lifted a little as she thought about their always poised and righteous princess making decisions based purely on aesthetics. It made the pedestal that the Altean woman was raised upon seem just that little bit shorter.

"You're so fucking annoying!" Came a harried shout from Keith, who was attempting to physically shove Lance's hand into his own mouth, "I'm gonna do everyone a favour and shut you the fuck up!" Lance twisted his wrist out of Keith's grip and rolled until the dark haired boy was pinned beneath him. Keith's mind went into overdrive, the feel of Lance's weight between his legs almost overwriting the fury bubbling in Keith's gut. Lance then shoved his fingers into the corners of Keith's mouth, forcing his lips into a kind of grotesque smile.

"Oh yeah, we I'm gonna do everyone a favour and cheer you the fuck up!" Lance sneered into Keith's face. Shiro sighed, seeing this ridiculous wrestling match quickly escalating into something more serious if he didn't intervene.

Looking every inch the over-worked, and one hundred percent done parent, He said loudly and kind of desperately, "Guys for God's sake can't you settle things a little more maturely?"

"Taxes!" Keith screeched suddenly and shot his hand out, slapping Lance with a resounding crack. Lance gave him an outraged look, and though Keith had instantly regretted hitting him, he would be damned if he was going to back down.

"Mortgage repayments!" Lance snarled and attempted to return the slap but was blocked effectively by Keith, which only made the Blue Paladin madder and redouble his efforts. Shiro marched over and reefed the two apart, barely suppressing amusement at their idea of mature. As he held them by the scruffs of their neck, their fearless leader considered that it was like breaking up an actual cat fight. He wondered what he was supposed to do with the two naughty kittens now that he'd stopped their squabble.

"Seriously guys, cut it out!" He snapped, the irritation in his tone, disguising the uncertainty he always felt whenever he had to try and reprimand shitty behaviour. The two younger boys glared at each other. 

"He fucking hit me!" Lance accused, smacking Shiro's grip away and bringing his hand to his face, covering the welt left by Keith's palm. Shiro watched as Keith's face fell momentarily and regret shuttered across his features. Lance's eyebrows raised impossibly high as he noted the remorseful look in Keith's eyes too. Keith twisted himself from Shiro's grip and held his hands up before himself defensively.

"I'm sorry." He blurted out, not quite making eye contact, and surprising everyone with his apology, "I took it too far." He was genuinely sorry. He didn't want to hurt Lance, just beat him. He flushed furiously as Lance stood, regarding him with his mouth agape. Keith? Apologise? Had the world gone mad? For reasons unknown to him, Lance felt a wave of heat flood his face as he took in the bashful, mullet haired Paladin.

"Uh, I, uh-" He stammered, "I shouldn't have provoked you?" He hadn't intended for it to be a question, but he was having trouble grasping the reality of the situation and felt really unsure. It was laughable really, two days ago they'd been in hip deep in violence and panic as they freed a Galra prisoner transport. Lance had exuded boundless amounts of charm and confidence during the task, but now, the sight of Keith, blushing and repentant had reduced the boy's higher brain functions to total mush. Shiro felt a kind of helpless despair as he watched these two morons try to interact. 

Pidge had been watching the entire episode over her laptop screen with a smirk, and muttered, "Gaaaaaaay." Just loud enough for Hunk to hear and guffaw, choking on his own spit.

The sounds of footsteps distracted them all from the weird sexual tension between the two suddenly quiet teens. Coran burst into the room, his ginger mustache wiggling as he loudly announced, "Your human prisoner is almost ready to wake from the healing pod." 

The paladin's attention was instantly diverted from the unfolding drama of angsting adolescent teens, and they made their way from the lounge at once. Even Pidge tore herself away from her beloved laptop to go to the infirmary with the others. 

When they'd liberated the prisoners, they'd all been pretty shocked to discover another human among the throng of Galra victims. She'd had a multitude of injuries and while she certainly wasn't the only one who was hurt, she'd definitely needed longer than any of the others in the healing pod. As a result she was the only one left aboard the Castle. 

As her face had slowly returned to something more resembling a person than a mass of swelling, purple bruises and ugly lacerations, Shiro had realised that he actually recognised her. The girl was from his graduating garrison year, a tie from a time on earth that seemed a million years ago. It was kind of embarrassing if he were honest with himself. He'd only technically met her the once, but it had been enough

There was nothing at all memorable about her in reality. She wasn't particularly striking in appearance, nor scintillating in personalty. Her academic progress had been ordinary too, and they hadn't been in the same social circles. There was just that one time that she'd busted him doing something extremely private, that had burned her unremarkable face into his memory for the rest of his life. Apparently not even being in deep space fighting an alien war could help escape from his shame of that moment. He couldn't help but think of the saying 'it's a small world' with a kind of wry smile. Apparently it was a small galaxy too.

The healing pod opened, revealing a small, pale woman. She was only slightly taller than Pidge, and not quite as slender. Her hair was a greasy, tangled mess, hanging limply around her head and shoulders, and was as white as Allura's, apart from thick, scarlet red streaks at her temples. Contemplating his own shock of white hair, Shiro wondered if the weird bleaching effect was common for human prisoners of the Galra. As he thought about his own scars and experiences, he wished that white hair was the worst problem one could escape the empire with.

The woman's left hand was missing her ring and pinky finger. Both of them ripped away with a large chunk of her hand. Though the scarification didn't seem so bad out of the healing pod, it was clear that it had been a horrible injury. On her right hand, her pinky was a stump that protruded just above the knuckle, her ring finger was marginally longer, up to the second knuckle, and her middle finger had been severed at the third, exaggerating the usually staggered length of these fingers by a significant amount. It was clear that this mutilation had been done deliberately, with a degree of concise control.

Her body had been a patchwork of bruises and scars. The mottled colours ranging from sickly yellow to dark bluish purple dotting with black. There were old, white scars, some recently healed, with fresh pink skin criss-crossing her back. Much newer wounds still oozed freely, and the skin that by some miracle remained untouched, was sickly pale. Only Allura, Coran and Shiro had seen these wounds. The severity of them so great that they'd loathed to so much as touch her before placing her in the healing pod. Shiro had been visibly upset at the sight of her, his rage sickening him. His fury for Galra growing exponentially. Even now, though she would be completely healed, the memory of them made a bubble of quiet anger roll in his stomach as he watched her stirring in the pod.

Emma's eyes fluttered open. She felt... Disoriented and weird. Aside from the fuzzy feeling in her head and the kind of heavy lethargy weighing her down, there was something else. Blinking and shuffling movement through her stiff body, it dawned on her what the sensation was. She didn't hurt. The extraordinary feeling was a complete lack of pain. Her eyes sprang open. This was a trick. Or she was dead. It made no sense. The scene in front of her swam alarmingly before coming into focus and she squinted at the array of strange, anxious faces. 

Alarm thundered through her and she sprang from the pod, bolting to the right where she saw an avenue of escape though a large open space, but her legs got tangled up with each other, and the fatigue in her body lingered, meaning that rather than running away, she just sort of just wobbled over to the side a bit before her limbs gave out. 

Before she could sink to the ground into a vulnerable heap, huge arms hooked around her, holding her up. "It's ok, I got you." Said an unfamiliar voice, and she blinked up into the kind face of a strange boy in an orange headband.

"Emma, it's ok, you're safe here." Came a reassuring voice. A voice that struck her as kind of familiar. Memories of an age ago filtered through her mind. It had been so long since she'd last thought of them that it took her a little by surprise. 

Her brain stuttered. She hadn't heard someone say her name since the Galra had picked her up. She looked around, feeling oddly secure in the big arms, and surveyed the strangers before her. A small girl in green standing close to a tall woman with pointy ears. A man with the most fabulous, full bodied mustache that she'd ever seen, two sullen looking boys that despite looking like each other's polar opposites, had weirdly similar posture, and finally, a tall man with a shock of white hair and a scar across his nose. Her eyes narrowed as she stared at him. She knew him somehow.

"Dude, how do you even know her name?" The lanky tall boy in the blue t-shirt asked, shooting the tall man in black a curious gaze. 

"I uh... We actually graduated from the garrison together. Different classes, but same year." The man admits, pink tinging his cheek bones as he glanced over at Emma, who now that she'd seen him blush was beginning to recall something.

"Holy shit," She exclaimed, the ridiculousness of it all causing a bubble of amusement to lodge in her throat, "Takashi Shirogane?" And Shiro, knowing that she'd remembered just how she knew him, felt a heavier blush rise up his face. He cleared his throat.

"Uh, yeah." He affirmed, avoiding eye contact and Emma nearly laughed.

she didn't blame him for his bashful behavior in the slightest, and could only marvel at how fucking absurd it was that they should both encounter each other here, of all places. It's true that they'd graduated in the same year, but their specialisations had been vastly different. They had no common classes, and no common friends. By all accounts they should have gone through their entire education as complete strangers. 

However, there are some situations in which a person will become deeply and irrevocably carved into your memory for life. The kind of situation that ties two people together, however unwillingly. 

The situation in this case being that all time under achiever, Emma, had the grand misfortune of stumbling across ultimate model student and golden child in general, Shiro, while he'd been having a risky little danger wank on top of the garrison roof.

"Imagine meeting you here." Emma almost cackled as Shiro put a hand over his face. Honestly though, what were the odds?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist having a little go with the swapped consciousness trope.  
> Only a bit though.

Shiro ground his teeth. They were meant to be strengthening their mental bonds, and while they usually managed this exercise quite well, this time, they were all struggling. Well, everyone it seems, except for Hunk who sat idly picking his nails while Lance and Keith squabbled. Pidge sat with a stubborn set to her jaw and Shiro fidgeted. The holographic mental projection of his lion wavering frequently. Part of forming Voltron meant they had to have their thoughts in synchronisation, no barriers in their minds. No surprising secrets between them. Which was the exact problem.

At the moment, they all had something to hide. Well, everyone except for Hunk apparently. Who at this moment was wondering if there was any way to bake the food goo down into delicious snack type bars. Shiro was fairly certain that Keith and Lance's secrets involved each other. He honestly had no clue with Pidge though. Her reluctance was a recent development, and he couldn't figure out what might have triggered it. His own problems though, mostly revolved around Emma. 

She'd settled in really well. It had somehow been decided, between her and the Alteans, that she would remain aboard the Castle of Lions, rather than be wormholed back to earth. Shiro wasn't sure, but he suspected that Allura didn't want to run the risk of causing a disruption among the paladins regarding their home planet. He knew that Lance would be particularly hurt by the thought of anyone going back when he couldn't, and Emma didn't seem overly keen on it anyway. Though Shiro could relate. After being subjected to the Galra's savagery, the prospect of returning home to memories of the person you used to be, was quite daunting. If he hadn't felt obligated to try and warn them of the coming invasion, he may not have returned at all.

She'd adapted remarkably well. They had all taken special care to explain everything to her as best they could, and her summation of it had delighted Lance so thoroughly that he'd insisted on copying it out, and sticking it up in the kitchen, on the Castle equivalent of the fridge. 

It read, 'Shiro and his boyfriends, plus Pidge, found a giant mechanical cat in the desert, got inside it, flew into space and unanimously decided to go through a wormhole. Blue Simba then led them to the sleeping Alteans who were rudely awakened from their ten thousand year snooze. Then Princess Leia had transformed them into the Space Power Rangers and with the help of her and Nigel Thornberry, together they form Optimus Prime and defend the universe against an invasion of savage, bipedal, galactic cats.' Shiro had to admit, that it encompassed the ridiculousness of the situation quite well.

However, the little tidbit of knowledge that she carried with her, played on Shiro's mind endlessly. She damn well knew it too, and would often make as many handy, wanking related puns directed at him as she could. The others naturally thought she was taking the piss out of his robotic arm, but with the way she'd smirk at him, he knew better. With each and every knowing wink, he felt less and less like the fearless leader and more and more like the teenage boy who'd literally been caught with his dick in his hand. If any of the others found out, he'd never hear the fucking end of it.

Which was why he was sitting here, maintaining a calm composure as the image of his lion kept flickering to a view from the garrison roof, and he internalised all of his screaming. Sighing with resignation, he grasped the headpiece and placed it next to him.

Pidge took this as a cue to remove her own. She'd been ok with this training after confessing to them all that she'd been a girl, but things were different this time. She wasn't so much keeping a secret, as she was trying to figure something out.

Yesterday, Allura had laughed. The kind of wholehearted laugh where she'd thrown her head back, exposing her throat. Pidge's stomach and flipped,her heart had stuttered and she instantly had to suppress a desire to touch her face to that exposed skin. It had alarmed her so much that she'd fled from the room, with some lame excuse composed of made up words and her laptop. Now the implications of her response were turning over as a writhing mess in her mind and she really, really didn't want any of the boys to peep at it until she'd at least sorted it out, and compartmentalised the more... private parts. So, she happily ditched her headpiece on the floor. It was quickly followed by Hunk's, who'd taken this as the cue that it was time to wrap up and go do something else. Like eat, for example.

"Urgh, dude what the fuck is wrong with you?" Lance suddenly yelled, looking at Keith with an absolutely mortified expression on his face. Keith, was steadily turning redder and redder and looked enraged. Now that the others had disengaged, the connection was just between the two of them, which was apparently cause for concern.

"Shut up!" Keith yelled. He was going to die, oh god he was going to die. Lance was going to kill him. No, wait, he was going to kill himself. Oh god he was going to die. He had to stop thinking about it! He couldn't stop thinking about it! SHIT!

"Who the fuck thinks about gay porn when there's another guy in their head! Jesus!" Lance reached up to grab the headpiece, his distress quickly doubling when it didn't come away.

"Shut the fuck up!" Keith screeched, reaching up to his own head piece, his own desperation increasing ten fold when it didn't budge either. He tried to control his wayward thoughts, but couldn't help the burning feeling of total dread rolling through his body. This was it. Lance knew, Lance hated him. He wanted to die. He felt sick. He felt frustrated. He was blinking back tears as complete humiliation and total SHAME flooded him. Lance stared at him, red cheeked and with his mouth open. He tugged at the headpiece harder. 

"CORAN! Why the fuck won't it COME OFF?" Lance shouted, projecting his voice so that it bounced off the walls of the room. Coran himself came skidding in with such grace that if it hadn't been for the apparent seriousness of the drama unfolding before them, Shiro might have been tempted to award points for style. 

"Uh, now now boys, you really need to settle down." Coran opted for a soothing tone, which might have worked, except both Lance and Keith were far beyond being soothed. Pidge thought that tranquilised would be a better option at this point. Keith was shouting and crying while Lance was so far out of his depth that he was just making loud walrus noises and staring at Keith with a look of utter, utter shock. Coran tried again, raising his voice shrilly. "This device wasn't designed to work with just two people, if you can't calm down, the surcharge of power in the mental exchange will cause a complete flip of consciousness..." They paid him absolutely no heed. 

"Keith, Oh my god!" The exclamation was loud, and loaded with awe. Keith had dropped to his knees, was hunched over and had his hands clapped over his ears try and to shut Lance out. Not that it could possibly work while Lance was inside his head.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Please, Lance, just... Please." Keith all but begged. The moment was so emotionally charged that the others felt embarrassed at having to witness it. It felt private, and they were all intruding on something that was clearly, deeply personal. Coran let out a low groan of despair.

"Oh dear." He had time to mumble, just before a loud bang and a flash. Lance and Keith both dropped, motionless to the ground. 

"Coran, what the hell just happened?" Shiro demanded at once, racing toward Keith, who was the nearest to him, he immediately tore the headset away from the smaller teen. Hunk ambled over to Lance and did the same. Pidge squared herself before Coran expectantly. Coran sighed and twiddled his thumbs.

"Not to worry, they're not hurt... that is to say there's no physical damage." He explained awkwardly, "This has happened before, they will be perfectly fine." It irritated Shiro that Coran was talking about what would happen, as opposed to what had happened. A seeming deliberate evasion of Shiro's question. Lance began to stir, a low groan escaping his lips as he lifted a hand to his face.

"Lance? Buddy, are you alright?" Hunk asked him gently, holding the brunet teen half in his lap. 

"Lance? I don't give a fuck how that idiot is." Lance replied with a kind of defensive tone. There was a ripe silence in the room.

"What?" Pidge asked astutely. They watched as he struggled to sit up and blinked balefully at them. His face fell into a scowl that looked as though it would be more at home on Keith's face, and he glared at them all defensively. That is, until his eyes landed on the prone from of Keith. He visibly paled.

"What in the ever loving fuck?" He supplied intelligently. Immediately bringing his hands up to touch his face and nearly poking out his eye. Pidge's brow furrowed.

"Coran, when you say flip, what exactly do you mean?" She asked, eyeing the ghostly complexion of Lance thoughtfully. Coran slouched.

"Exchanged. Swapped. Traded." He offered, "As in, that's not Lance, that's Keith in Lance's body and vice versa." Coran tried to smile comfortingly, but the gesture was lost as Keith's body began to stir. 

"What the hell?" He mumbled, then paused at the sound of his voice and added, slightly louder, "WHAT THE HELL?" He sat bolt upright and wobbled slightly, his eyes clapped onto Lance's body. The way he blinked and gaped was almost comical. Shiro cleared his throat and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, meanwhile Keith was having some kind of crisis as he took in his own haircut, quite literally from Lance's perspective. From here, it did look kind of stupid and he really, really hated that. 

"It would seem that you and Keith have sort of..." Shiro trailed off, uncertain exactly how to explain this. 

"You've swapped brains." Hunk supplied, and a kind of gurgling noise emerged from Lance/Keith's throat.

"No, not brains, just consciousnesses." Coran corrected him, while Lance continued to gurgle. Keith used Hunk to pull himself to his feet. It felt really weird. Lance was some kind of freaky giraffe and Keith wasn't used to all of this length in his limbs, so he lacked a little in coordination. He swayed a little, but the Yellow Paladin held him upright almost absently. 

"You can fix this though, right?" Hunk asked the ginger Altean, easily holding up the weight of Lance's body. Keith was grateful for the big boy's almost casual strength. Coran nodded.

"Oh yes, we'll just have to re-calibrate the equipment and set you both back up with the head gear. Shouldn't take more than hour." The relief that rolled through the two teens was palpable. Shiro sighed grateful that this issue wasn't going to have any kind of permanency.

"Please start now." He asked Coran politely, a bit of strain coming through in his voice. Coran nodded as he eyed the two teens that were sizing themselves up, then he hastened to the exit, heading for the control room.

"Maybe this will teach you both to get along a little better." He suggested hopefully to them as he passed, Lance groaned. It was a surreal sound, to hear Lance's mannerisms with Keith's voice. 

"If anyone says one thing about walking in each other's shoes, I swear to god I'll do something drastic." He mumbled, then stretched out awkwardly. "Jesus do you always ache this much?" He asked Keith, who shrugged. 

"I've been training a lot." He provided. It was kinda normal for him to ache all the time lately. Though, standing around in Lance's body, he couldn't help but notice that he felt, kind of amazing actually. He didn't ache, he felt well rested. It was kind of nice. Then it hit him. He was in Lance's body. The very same body that he'd been dreaming about. The body that he eye fucked covertly at every given opportunity. Oh. OH. And then he felt a wave of heat wash across him as he recalled that this was also the body he'd been picturing rubbing up against his at the moment that Lance had invaded his brain. Something must have shown on his face because Lance snorted.

"Whatever you're thinking about doing in my body, you'd better not." He warned ominously, his expression amused. Keith's hackles rose instinctively. He hadn't been thinking of DOING anything, but now that Lance had told him not to, he wanted to, just to piss him off. He felt that he had to do something to counteract the fact that Lance had seen some of the pornographic thoughts that Keith had entertained about him.

"Fuck you Lance." He growled and crossed his arms, fumbling the movement slightly, because Lance's arms were so fucking long. Automatically Keith wondered what else might be long. He grit his teeth against the desire to check as he watched his own face spread into a malicious grin. It was really, really disarming for Keith to see that expression on his own face.

"You would if you could though, wouldn't you?" Lance oozed smoothly, and Keith stiffened. He'd known that it would be a complete disaster for Lance to find out that Keith was attracted to him, but he didn't think that Lance would jump on the shit stirring train quite so soon. Scalding shame churned in Keith's stomach as he turned a furious glare onto the other boy and with a burning face, opened his mouth to retort, but Shiro stepped in before he could.

"Lance that's enough." He said harshly, squeezing Lance/Keith's shoulder slightly to underline his warning and putting every ounce of authority that he had into his tone. Lance had the good grace to at least look abashed, but this only served to piss Keith off more. 

It was of course, during this tense little exchange, that Emma came wafting into the room, blissfully unaware of what was going on. Lance's eyes tracked her movement, and suddenly Keith knew exactly how he was going to get Lance back for his remark. He was driven both by petty revenge, and the desire to get rid of that horrible lecherous look that Lance had put on his face. 

Emma rubbed the back of her neck and cleared her throat before announcing, "I've been looking for you guys, I um, well the gloop hose in the kitchen has gone kinda funny and there's stuff everywhere and I swear I didn't do anything but, I can't make it stop!" She blurted out, pink dusting her cheeks as she tried not to look too guilty. Of course, her mention of the kitchen had Hunk's immediate attention.

"What? I'll go see what's wrong." He left, abandoning Keith somewhat abruptly, leaving him tottering on legs that he wasn't used to. Fortunately, Emma reached out to steady him and it couldn't have worked out better if Keith had planned it.

"Oh hi, um, Lance was it?" Emma steadied him and gave him a polite smile. Gleefully, Keith tried out a charming smile and let his arm crawl around her shoulders. He could sense the others watching him with something akin to shock. This wasn't normal Keith behavior. Which was kind of the point.

Before anyone could update her on what had happened, Keith said, perhaps a little too loudly, "Sure is cutie. Oh hey, it looks like you dropped something." 

"Oh," She looked around, but unable to locate anything she asked, a bit baffled, "What?" Keith grinned and pulled her a little closer.

"Your standards." He waggled his eyebrows meaningfully at her and heard Lance's squawk of disbelief. Fighting the shit eating grin that was threatening to take over his face, he tried instead, for a cheeky smile at the tiny little Emma. "So, how would you like to have the best sex of your life?" He asked in his best seductive tone, and she actually grimaced like she was in pain.

"Uh, no?" She wormed her way out from under his touch but he just staggered back a step and gave her the finger guns. 

"Then baby, I'm the guy for you!" He crowed. Pidge began to cackle, and Shiro could not believe how well Keith was imitating Lance's typical behaviour. It was uncanny. Meanwhile, Lance gasped in outrage. 

"How dare you sabotage me!" He howled accusingly at Keith "How DARE you!" He pulled himself up off the floor. Keith couldn't help noticing that he seemed to have much better luck controlling his limbs than Keith had had. Emma's eyes had gone very wide and she edged as far away from Keith as she could, coming to sidle up to Shiro, a hand on his arm as though he would save her from Keith's unwelcome attention. She had no idea what was going on here but it definitely looked interesting.

"You deserved it." Keith uttered, unapologetic. He buffed his nails on Lance's blue shirt, thoroughly enjoying his little victory. Lance glowered, and then, his expression become one of pure mischief. Without breaking eye contact, he began to slide Keith's jacket off his shoulders. Keith narrowed his eyes.

"What, what are you doing?" He asked, a little bit of distress in his voice as his jacket was followed quickly by his shirt. Now bare chested, and damn, Keith realised with a hint of pride, he really had gotten jacked with all that training, Lance grinned and popped the button on Keith's pants. Panic clawed its way through Keith. 

"Well, since you can humiliate me, I can return the favour. I've always wondered what you look like naked. Now everyone here can have a look." Next came the hiss of Keith's zipper. The stupid idiot didn't even seem to know what he'd just said. Keith's brain got stuck on the words. He lost focus on what was going on for a moment as they sunk in. Lance had always wanted to see him naked? Did Keith dare to hope that he meant that in a really gay way? 

There was a rustle, and then silence. His brain caught up with the moment. Eyes wide, he beheld himself standing there with his pants around his ankles, clad in nothing else but his boxers and a really, REALLY amused smile on his face. Oh Jesus, why'd he have to wear THOSE boxers today? They mocked him. The black material printed with neon stegosaurus silhouettes, laughed at his predicament. 

"Really Keith?" Lance asked him, his eyes twinkling and a curl on his lips, "Didn't figure you for a dinosaur print kinda man." Keith groaned. He almost wished he'd gone commando instead. Jesus Christ. Jesus CHRIST, he thought furiously, I hate him. I need to tell him to fuck off. No. I need to tell him to fight me.

"Why don't you just fuck me Lance?" He hissed, and then began to glow hotly after hearing just how horribly, horribly wrong he'd gotten his words. Lance let out a huff of laughter.

"Well," He drawled, "while that's not even close to in my league, as far as pick up lines go, for you that was actually pretty smooth." And though Lance was still pretty pissed about how Keith had tried to sabotage his flirtatious efforts with the lovely Emma, and how flabbergasted he was that Keith happened to be gay and also happened to be attracted to him, he couldn't find it in himself to stay mad at someone who wore the cutest fucking underwear that he'd ever seen. 

"Those guys are like, two halves of a whole idiot aren't they?" Emma observed and Shiro snorted. She certainly wasn't wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit I nearly died while writing this chapter. IT WAS HORRIBLE!  
> Ok, no wait, so I might be exaggerating. But oh wow, it sure is hard to write this stuff :/  
> Seriously, give your gay smut writers some credit, cos shit is not easy.  
> I though that reading porn made me feel filthy, it's nothing compared to writing it!

Lance scurried along the hall on his long, stealthy legs. It was, the middle of the night, or you know, the middle of the official Castle sleep cycle, and he was stalking Keith. He'd been reduced to this underhanded tactic because Keith had turned out to be surprisingly good at avoiding being alone in a room with him, and had been doing just that ever since the shit show that had been the body swap. So now the Blue Paladin had been forced to set his alarm mid beauty sleep, so that he could corner his restless team mate and convince (threaten, cajole, intimidate, beg) him to have a nice little chat about the big gay elephant that was always joining them in the room lately.

He came to the training room, and quickly popped his head around the corner. Keith was immersed in a grueling session against the gladiator and Lance seriously doubted that the Red Paladin would even notice him creep into the room. He watched Keith's assault on the droid with envious eyes. Lance was no slouch with his fitness, but when compared to Keith, and he always compared himself to Keith, he was a slovenly bum. Keith was dripping with sweat, grunting with exertion and with the most ferocious look on his face as he moved with purpose and grace. 

Biting his lip, and trying to ignore the stab of arousal in his gut at the glorious sight of Keith in action, Lance waited until his back was to him and slunk in, turning to quickly mess with the panel on the door, locking it. Pidge had shown him how to activate the lockout timer. With the exception of a possible Galra attack, it wasn't going to open again for at least an hour. Which should be more than enough time to talk this out with Keith, or you know, for Keith to murder him. Which was pretty plausible really, after the bitch fit that Keith had thrown after Lance had accidentally stumbled on Keith's secret, he wouldn't put anything past him.

It wasn't even a big deal. Lance didn't care that Keith was gay. Why would he? Lance was happy to bone aliens, so long as he got to bone something. But Keith, oh wow had Keith had not been ok with ANYTHING. He'd gone into a complete and total meltdown. Lance got the impression that it wasn't so much the fact that he'd found out that Keith was gay, it was that he'd found out that Keith was gay for HIM, that was Keith's problem. Not that Lance could be certain. 

Which of course led them right here, trapped in the training room, because despite Lance's best efforts up until now, Keith WOULDN'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT. Every time Lance tried to approach him about it, Keith would just throw his hands up, avoid eye contact and "Nope." the fuck out of there. This presented itself as a challenge to Lance, who might have willingly dropped it had he been actually asked to. Keith wouldn't so much as acknowledge it though, and that created a frustrating lack of closure surrounding the whole issue. Though closure wasn't what Lance was thinking about right now. Oh no sirree. 

He watched the play of Keith's muscles under his dark, damp and rather tight fitting t-shirt, and found himself less worried about pursuing what promised to be an awkward conversation all round, and far more interested in addressing Keith's sexual fantasies about him. It was increasingly difficult to watch that lithe, toned body move, and not think about the images that Keith had projected into his head of the two of them together. Lance's originally pure intentions, had vanished in a heart beat.

Lance knew that he really SHOULD try and talk things out, but his hormones weren't willing to let him ignore just how much he needed to fuck Keith within an inch of his life first. And who would blame him? The boy was ridiculously pretty, skilled, and had a whole tsundere type appeal to him which pushed all of the right buttons in Lance's dirty, dirty mind. Now that he knew Keith had similar feelings towards him, as far as Lance was concerned, it was on like Donkey Kong. The emotional chat could wait until after.

With bright eyes, he watched as Keith completely dismantled the gladiator in a series of moves that displayed his strength, agility, and a tantalising little strip of skin between the hem of his t-shirt and the waistband of his pants. Overall, the whole maneuver made Lance's pulse quicken and he had to swallow the sudden lump in his throat before he spoke. 

"You're not gonna do that to me after you realise that we're locked in here are you?" He asked smoothly. Keith let out a squeak that bordered on downright adorable, and swung around, reflexively throwing his Bayard at Lance. Lance watched the red sword whoosh towards him and internally screamed out a garbled prayer. Externally, he didn't even so much as flinch as the blade sailed past his face and hit the wall. Praising his own coolness, he raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Missed me." Keith scowled.

"What are you doing here Lance?" He bit out, retrieving his Bayard and disabling it. Lance's eyes lingered on the pieces of hair that were plastered to Keith's forehead with sweat for moment. Lately, Keith had taken to wearing his hair back in a pony tail, and the look was a far cry from his stupid, outdated mullet. Lance liked it very much.

"You keep avoiding me, so I had to trap you." He replied absently, leaning up against the wall and crossing his arms, deliberately looking Keith up and down with an appraising eye. Keith fought a self conscious flush, his eyes flicking momentarily to Lance's lean form. He couldn't believe the amount of confidence that Lance was projecting when all he was wearing were silky pajamas, and Keith had a sharp and pointy weapon. With a frown he eyed the shiny powder blue material that draped lovingly over Lance's long body.

"I'm pretty sure those are girl pajamas." He pointed out, loading a fair amount of snark into the observation. Lance shrugged dismissively, completely destroying Keith's attempt at derision with classic carelessness. 

"They feel fucking amazing on my skin." He explained, and ran his hands down his torso with a little lavish wiggle to underline his statement. Keith's eyes drank in the gesture, and Lance smiled coyly. "Touch them if you don't believe me." He gave Keith a look that was loaded with challenge. Keith imagined what it would be like to run his hands over the fabric, feeling Lance's wiry muscles beneath his palms. He struggled to maintain his lofty demeanor.

"I believe you." He snapped, definitely feeling on edge and jumpy. He forced his gaze away from the Blue Paladin who had lifted himself away from lounging against the wall, and tried not to obviously hurry towards the door as the brunet began to approach him. Keith was hyper aware of Lance's each and every movement. It was extremely disconcerting. He faltered when he couldn't open the door, the flashing lock symbol triggering a wave of panic.

"What did you do?" His voice had dropped to a low, dangerous tone with only a slight edge of desperation. Lance ignored it and stalked closer to Keith, who tried to casually edge away, his eyes tracking Lance's movements much an animal backed into a corner might. Lance was definitely enjoying Keith's cutely angry and flustered disposition. He'd never have guess that the raven haired boy would be such a mess in such a situation. It made Lance want to absolutely WRECK him.

"I put it on a timer. Pidge showed me how." Lance's smile was soft and predatory as he closed in. Keith had backed himself up against a wall and officially run out of places to go. "Are you scared to touch my pajamas Keith?" He came forward, putting both hands on the wall either side of him team mate, caging him with his body.

"I am NOT scared of your fucking pajamas." Keith growled defiantly. Lance smirked. It was almost laughable how easy this was. If you wanted Keith to do something, you only had to imply that he was too scared to do it. After all, Lance had already gotten him to crash his Lion face first into the ground once before by exploiting this little factoid of information. 

Lance leaned close to Keith and put his lips near his ear, "Prove it." His voice a low sinister whisper that brushed past Keith's ear canal and straight to his dick. At this point, his brain just packed up, and bailed. Left. Completely gone. His ability to reason gone with it. Lance was so, SO, close that Keith could smell all of those fancy products that he used in his beauty regime. His stomach flipped, ears went red and heat began to gather low in his body. Feeling the last of his reason slip away, Keith focused on the blue clad torso before him.

"Fine." He muttered, his voice sounded much surer than he felt, as he brought his hands up and stretched his fingers out to touch the blue cloth. He swallowed thickly as he pushed his palms forwards and let them slide over Lance's chest. The cool smoothness of the fabric contrasting sharply with the hot, hard planes of Lance's body beneath A rampant blush rose up his face. He could even feel Lance's heartbeat very slightly, and it was beating a lot faster than it should have been. 

He risked a glance at the Blue Paladin's face. Lance was regarding him with heavy lidded eyes and his lips slightly parted, cheeks and ears stained red. Keith let his hands glide further up, his fingertips disappearing beneath the collar of his silky top, and his thumbs brushing softly across Lance's collar bone. Lance hummed quietly at the touch.

"I told you they felt good." He whispered, his voice was hushed and not at all steady, the sound of it making Keith's pulse race. The tanned column of Lance's throat attracted Keith's attention, he eyed the motion of Lance's adams apple bobbing as he swallowed. It seemed to begging him to taste the skin there. His tongue darted out to wet his lips and Lance's breath caught in his throat. His expression was something that sent a shudder of need rippling down Keith's spine. It was almost, reverent. It was a heady thing to be looked at in such a manner and Keith couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from the other boy's face.

Lance brought a shaky hand to cup his jaw, his touch barely brushing Keith's skin, as though he were frightened to put any pressure into it. His eyes darted to Keith's mouth.

"Are you going to kiss me?" Keith blurted, vaguely aware of his hands clenching the pajama shirt and tugging the taller boy gently closer. Lance crowded in without any argument, his body only a hairs breadth from touching Keith's. There was no trace of mirth in his eyes at Keith's question, just a heat and wonderment that made Keith's heart stutter and his dick stir. 

"Do you want me to?" Lance asked seriously, his eyes piercing through Keith as though he could divine the answer directly though his skull. Had Keith's brain still been present within his head hole, it would have made some probably very valid points about why Keith should at least THINK about what happening BEFORE he let it happen. However, Keith's cock and balls had taken charge the very moment that his fingertips had reached for Lance, and they had a very long list of demands, the first of which was definitely kisses.

"Yes." Keith breathed, tilting his head back. The blood not flooding his face with an outrageous blush, was heading directly towards to his crotch. The anticipation alone had him half hard. Lance's eyes practically twinkled and a pleased smile curved his lips as he closed the space between them. Keith's eyes fluttered shut and his heartbeat skyrocketed, the heat between them almost suffocating. The feel of Lance's hand on his jaw became less hesitant as Lance gently tilted his head just so. He heard him take a shaky breath just before soft lips feathered over his own.

A quiet sigh escaped between them. Lance had no idea who was responsible for it. All he knew was Keith. Pressing his mouth fully against Keith's lips, he pushed his shaking hand along the Red Paladin's jaw and into his hair, the sweaty, clammy strands tangling in his fingers. The other hand holding tightly to Keith's hip as Lance dipped his tongue into his mouth. Keith's knees wobbled, he let out a muffled little moan. Hands slid up around Lance's neck urging him closer still as Keith sucked at Lance's tongue feverishly. Wet smacking noises, and ragged panting filled the air as lips clashed in a sloppy mess that left them both feeling breathless and far too hot.

Lance's arm snaked around Keith's waist and pulled him flush against his body, their erections bumping together. A strangled groan poured into his mouth as Keith helplessly canted his hips forward, chasing friction. His knees began to give out, and with his heart jumping into his throat, Lance shoved his thigh between the shorter teen's legs to prop him up. He gripped a handful of Keith's raven locks and forcibly tore his mouth away. Keith whined and chased his lips, pulling up short when Lance tightened the hold on his hair.

"Jesus Christ, Keith." He whispered, in awe of how completely shattered the Red Paladin already looked. His eyes were glassy, lips wet, red and parted obscenely as he heaved in lungfuls of air. He continued to rock his hips, rubbing himself on Lance's leg, their hard cocks brushing against each other. Keith looked up, pupils blown wide. Lance's cock throbbed and his mind reeled at the needy mess that his rival was devolving into.

How was this guy even real? Fuck, he should be illegal. Jesus Christ take the wheel. Unfortunately, Jesus wasn't here right now (which was probably a good thing considering what they were doing) and certainly Keith didn't look to be in any fit state to go calling the shots. Meaning that it was up to Lance to take charge. A peculiar sense of superiority flashed through him as he realised this. Maybe Keith wasn't the best at EVERYTHING after all.

He kissed Keith again, long, deep and controlled. Licking into his mouth and swallowing the little mewling sounds Keith was making. Untangling his hand from his hair, he took Keith's hips into a sure grip, holding him steady as he methodically dragged their cocks together, biting softly down on Keith's lip. Keith pulled away to suck in a long shuddering breath. His head lolling as Lance set a painfully slow pace, dry humping up against the Red Paladin teasingly. His thumbs softly circled the sensitive skin above Keith's waistband, but his grip remained firm, keeping Keith's stuttering hips exactly where he wanted them. He touched his lips to the skin beneath Keith's ear. Tongue darting out to taste the skin there, delighting in the sharp intake of breath as he licked and nibbled his way down Keith's neck and along his collar bone.

He could feel himself throb, heavy and hot against Keith's hard dick. He inched his chest backward just enough so that he could see. The sight was so sinfully delicious that he groaned. Keith's cock barely peeped out of his pants. The elastic stretching around it just enough that the shiny wet tip could be seen, more moisture beading in the slit with each steady grind. Lance's own erection strained against his light blue, satiny pants, which had a large, dark, wet spot growing steadily in size as he continued to weep precome. With growing impatience, Lance jerked his hips faster and with more force, eliciting a loud guttural groan from Keith, who shoved his fingers into his own mouth, biting down and moaning around them. 

"Ha, fuck. Shit." Lance choked out, eyes flashing at how wrecked Keith was looking, "Keith baby, shit, look down." With more self control than he knew he had, Lance slowed his movements letting Keith drink in the sight of them both, hard and leaking against each other. With a low, tortured moan, Keith's pelvis twitched and jolted in Lance's hands. Lance backed off enough to fit his hand between them. With deft movements, he unhooked his almost painful erection from his pants, shoving Keith's down as well, baring their long, flushed cocks fleetingly before pushing forward again. The engorged lengths slid against each other coaxing a long groan from Lance. He brought his hand in to hold the both of them, smearing precome everywhere as his long fingers wrapped around them easily. He pistoned the two twitching dicks with a steady grip and Keith let out a long whine, his hands scrabbling at Lance's shoulders as his breathing grew erratic.

"Lance, god, Lance, I'm gonna-" He cut himself off to gasp as Lance quickened his pace, knowing exactly what Keith was gonna do, because by god he was just about there himself and the desperate way that Keith said his name only served to hurry him to the finish line. All at once Keith began thrusting spasmodically, his breath catching, back arching and grip on Lance's shoulders starting to hurt. White ropes of come began erupting from the end of his cock, "-Coming! Lance! Feels so good! I'm coming!" He blurted out, his voice trembling and ruined as he splattered their clothes. Growling Lance pushed himself at Keith, closing all space between them and shoving him against the wall, rutting into him mercilessly. His hand flew from Keith's hip to his black hair and he buried his face in Keith's neck, crying out as his own come spilled from his dick, hot fluid gushing over his hand in spurts until Lance was left feeling sated and whimpering.

Spent, they both sort of began sliding down the wall, melting onto the floor. Holding each other and dicks still out, they made no effort to untangle themselves. After a few moments in which their breathing and heart beats slowed, Keith was the first to speak.

"I'm pretty sure you didn't lock us in here to do that." He said lazily. Lance snorted, His hand was still in Keith's hair, fingertips rubbing absent circles on his scalp. Keith hoped he'd keep doing it indefinitely.

"I swear, originally, I just wanted to talk." Lance felt all light and floaty. It was amazing really, what a good orgasm could do for tension. 

"Well. It was the best talk I've ever had with you." Keith admitted with a tiny, little shit stirring grin.

"Holy shit is that a joke?" Lance gazed at Keith wide eyed, a smile of amazement on his face, "Dude you should come more often, it seriously lightens you up!" Keith smirked and arched an eyebrow toward the Blue Paladin.

"Is that an offer?" He asked coyly. Some how, despite what they'd literally just done, and the fact that they were both COVERED in come, Lance managed to look bashful. Tips of his ears turning pink as he smiled shyly and avoided eye contact. Keith didn't get to hear his answer however, as it was that precise moment that the alarms began blaring very loudly and the training room door hissed open automatically. Both boys had to scramble to detangle themselves from each other and right their clothes before they bolted for their Paladin armour. Both praying that they wouldn't run into anyone, and that if they did, the stains on their clothes might be able to be passed off as something other than what they so obviously were. 

Ear splitting noise aside, Lance thought that while it was not the ideal ending to a tryst, it didn't at all diminish how fucking great it had been while it was happening. Watching Keith's butt as he raced ahead of him, Lance even dared hope for much, much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love the idea of Mr. bad pick up lines and awkward over confidence Lance, being legitimately smoother than the cream-cheese on your bagel when it comes to sexy things, and Mr. awesome pilot skills, controlled emotions and hardcore fighter man Keith, being reduced to needy, flustered mess.
> 
> I hope I did this right!


	5. Chapter 5

"Dude you had braces all the way through 7th and 8th year, you weren't even cool." Hunk commented idly, causing Lance to deflate at a rapid speed. They were in what Pidge had dubbed the 'Junk' room, but was actually one of the many sitting rooms inside the castle. He and Pidge were sitting cross legged on the floor among piles of randomly collected bit and bobs of junk. They were fucking about trying to build something that might work in conjunction with the phones that had traveled through the wormhole with them. Though Pidge had managed to find a way to charge her laptop, the various handheld devices were proving to be more difficult to adapt to Altean power sources. 

Somewhere along the line, they'd been joined by the rest of the team. Emma had a vested interested in their stored music playlists, which was fair enough as she'd once been a dancer. She'd come to check their progress and then draped herself across Hunk's lap and fallen asleep. Hunk didn't mind. She reminded him of a feral kitten his family had adopted. Quick to startle, but extremely tactile with people deemed trustworthy. He was ok with the weird shit she did for comfort, so he worked around her just fine. Hunk presumed that everyone else was here out of boredom. It was a nice way to bond as a team and kill travel time, though Lance had begun telling wildly embellished stories about his popularity throughout school, simply to fill the silence. Hunk had been there with him however, and didn't mind bringing the Blue Paladin down a peg or two if the occasion called for it. 

"Urgh don't remind me." Lance muttered, a slight blush on his cheeks as he poked Hunk with a toe in displeasure. "Remember when I was trying to chat up that girl Kathy? But I had toffee stuck in them? What a nightmare." Keith snorted at the kind of surprising admission of a less than suave moment in Lance's life, and Hunk smiled at the memory.

"Yes, she called you toffee teeth for months afterwards." He said fondly, recalling all too clearly the extended period of sulking that Lance had gone into afterwards. 

"I sometimes wonder if this sexy smile was worth all of the braces caused angst you know." The Blue Paladin confessed, flashing his trademark grin, toward Keith in particular, who barely managed to hide his returning smile with a scowl.

"I'm sorry, but what does bracing have to do with teeth?" Allura asked suddenly, stalling the conversation. Hunk grimaced briefly, wondering how to explain it. He often forgot that she didn't actually know much about Earth and its culture. She just fit in so well that it never occurred to most of them that she just couldn't understand half of the shit they were talking about. Pidge lived for these moments of necessary clarification. Her classic Shitlord grin spread across her face as she saw another opportunity to play 'Mess with the Alteans' present itself.

"Oh well, through the process of evolution, our jaws can end up with too many teeth in them so they grow all out of place and sometimes cause a lot of problems." She explained pausing her tinkering for the moment, with a malicious gleam in her eye as Allura listened to her warily. She'd learned that having Pidge explain human customs was not always a comfortable and pleasant experience. The concept of circumcision, for example, had given her very graphic nightmares, and she'd struggled to meet the the eyes of any of the male Paladins since. Curiosity could be a dangerous thing. Pidge continued, "So we developed a a way to interfere and correct this issue, by pulling some teeth out, and then wielding metal to the rest. The steel wires pull on the teeth, slowly forcing them into the proper alignment over a number of years." Allura and Coran visibly paled.

"You WHAT?" The princesses voice was shrill, horror and disbelief written all over her delicate features. Hunk considered that from her point of view, it probably did sound a little fucked up. Always eager to be included, Lance piped up with some contribution.

"Oh yeah." He elaborated," We've got an entire sect of medical specialisation dedicated to it because it's so common. I mean, everyone has to see the dentist in order to keep tabs on their oral health, but if you need braces, you've got to see a Proctologist." 

"Jesus Lance, no, you've got to see an ORTHODONTIST for teeth, a Proctologist is an asshole doctor, they're at the other end entirely." Keith said with a very distasteful look on his face, "How could you get that so wrong?" Lance just shrugged casually, but the twinkle in his eye made Keith think that he'd said it on purpose.

Maybe I just wanted someone to say 'asshole doctor.'" He said grinning slyly. Keith rolled his eyes, hoping that if he rolled them hard enough, everyone would miss his little smile of amusement. Share one awkward, entirely too fast, kinda weird handjob with a guy and suddenly everything he does is cute as shit. Lance had ruined him. Not that he'd ever let on to Lance in a million years.

"Sometimes seeing a dentist is bad enough." Shiro suddenly contributed, adding in a particularly savage voice, "They stab you in the mouth with their tools and then mutter, 'Your gums are bleeding because you're not _flossing_ , Shirogane.'" This kind of outburst was so rare from Shiro that they all had to take a moment to really appreciate it. For a brief shining moment, he was almost a normal, relatable human being. Rather than a mature, responsible, heroic, fucken ripped and gleaming leader.

"What is _wrong_ with your species?" Allura asked suddenly, eyeing them all with astonished looks, "Do you honestly evolve problems so drastic that it takes the intervention of medical specialists to correct them? That's not how evolution is supposed to work!" She looked so horrified that Lance experienced a brief desire to comfort her by lying and insisting that they were having a cruel laugh at her expense, however, Pidge was only getting warmed up. That little gremlin.

"Actually we've evolved with lots of useless bits we don't need anymore." The girl said thoughtfully, stroking her chin, "Sometimes they even get infected and inflamed and have to be cut out of us or we'll die from blood poisoning." The princess paled further. Lance hummed with agreement.

"Yeah, my sister had to have her appendix out, and I'm pretty sure that Mom had to have her gallbladder taken out too." He pulled a face as he tried to remember who else had what missing from their bodies, "Oh Hunk, didn't your Grandma have something removed?" Hunk frowned. 

"She had to have a hysterectomy Lance, I'm not sure that counts since generally speaking we do usually need reproductive organs to you know, reproduce." His matter of fact reply made Coran erupt with a very alarmed noise.

"You people cut out your reproductive organs?" He shrieked, backing away from the group as though their crazy might be contagious. Pidge shrugged.

"Only when they give us trouble." She uttered nonchalantly and stretched. The two Alteans looked completely sickened by what they'd learned, Coran actually fled the room, cheeks bulging, presumably to be sick. Pidge planned to capitalise on the Altean's ignorance, and the Paladin's gullibility, by spinning a little bit of bullshit for her own amusement. 

"Don't look so worried guys, the laws of evolution aren't all bad," She began, "it's really cool how we've all evolved differently, according to traits that our ancestors found desirable. Skin colour, height, build, and even various abilities. You know, we can tell a lot about our own lineage by whether or not we share characteristics with particular sects of people." She tried to project that same kind of mania into her voice that she did when she talked programming and tech. She'd learned that the others would believe almost literally anything she said if she talked in that tone. The only person who might argue with her was Hunk, and she'd accounted for him this time. His face had taken on a pained expression as he thought about what she said.

"I dunno Pidge, that sounds an awful lot like bullshit to me." His doubt was clear, and also just the launching pad Pidge needed for the next step in her diabolical prank.

"No seriously Hunk, like, for example, you can tell that your ancestors belonged to a line of prized warriors if you can lick your own elbow. Flexibility was a highly desirable attribute in hunters and warriors." She nodded sagely, and was entirely unsurprised when Lance whipped up the sleeve of his jacket. She'd known she could count on him.

"I bet I can lick my elbow and you can't, Keith!" He challenged, his tongue already wagging out of his head ridiculously as Keith furiously pulled his jacket off. 

"You're on!" Keith poked out his own tongue and tried in vain to roll his shoulder in just the right way that he might maneuver his elbow closer to his face. Even Hunk, who didn't normally like to be involved in shenanigans, punched his fist past his head in an effort to run his wide tongue over the tip of his elbow. Pidge allowed a shit eating grin to spread across her face as she watched Shiro also make an attempt. He tried alternating between arms, as if he was hoping that his Galra arm might offer him a better chance at achieving this outrageous goal than his human one did. To see their fearless leader fall for her total trolling, satisfied her in a way that Lance's predictability couldn't compare to.

The wallowing enjoyment of the scene she'd ignited was cut dramatically short when her eye fell on Allura, who despite not being of human origin, had decided to participate anyway. She too had her arm raised awkwardly, but the look of complete concentration on her cute face, as her little pink tongue struggled to touch the skin of her elbow, was more than Pidge could bear. It was hard enough having a sexuality crisis in outer space, let alone when a breathtaking alien woman was unconsciously doing sexy things with her mouth. A tiny little noise of want escaped the Green Paladin when Allura's focus yielded the result of her tongue growing long enough to succeed in finally stroking it lewdly over the point her own appendage. Chameleonic species indeed. Pidge thought she might die.

"Ok I definitely can't do that." Shiro finally announced, lowering his elbows and stirring the shortest of them out of her mesmerised spell. "So I'm obviously not descended from warriors. I can do this though." he added, and then he poked his tongue up his left nostril and wiggled the tip, much to Pidge's disgust. Hunk laughed past his arm.

"Dude that's awesome." He noted. Lance made distorted sounds of agreement, but didn't take a moment to pause his licking effort. Keith had seen this trick of Shiro's before, and subsequently ignored him in favour of contorting himself for better leverage. Lance spied this, and followed suit, determined not to allow Keith to one up him. 

It was at this point that Emma finally stirred noisily from her slumber on Hunk's lap with a small squeak and loud stretch. She blinked herself awake, yawned and sat up. The entire room froze as her brows furrowed in momentary confusion, taking them all in. Hunk seated with his elbow sticking out, mouth open, tongue hanging from his head. Allura actually mid-lick of her elbow and looking entirely too smug about it as she eyed Pidge across the room, Keith and Lance twisted around like kind of angry looking yoga instructors, and their esteemed leader and unofficial space dad, sitting wide eyed with his hands in his lap and the tip of his tongue rammed up his nose. They remained perfectly still, as though Emma were some kind of T-Rex and wouldn't see them unless they moved.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the Universe's Only Hope." She declared with a smirk and an encompassing gesture.

Shiro made it a point to try and ground Pidge for a whole space week. Pidge had zero regrets.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey gays." Pidge announced as she shuffled into the room. The duo in question had been sitting on the couch, shyly holding hands and blushing furiously when the little gremlin had called them out. Keith's brow furrowed.

"You mean 'hey guys' right?" He corrected her. She just gave him a blank stare.

"Did I fucking stutter?" She asked him casually. Keith shrank back, blushing a little brighter.

"Watch your language Pidge." Shiro corrected automatically as he came into the room, with Hunk in tow. They'd been doing a little one on one training. The Yellow Paladin was greatly increasing his skill and fitness level with the extra lessons, though his love of the kitchen meant that any calories burned off, were soon put back on again. 

"Yeah Pidge. You can't swear in front of the baby." Lance smirked, side eyeing Shiro, who groaned.

"I regret telling you guys my birthday." He complained. He'd been the butt of the team's jokes ever since admitting that his birthday fell on the 29th of Febuary. The most common trope was that no one wanted to take orders from a 6yo, and the ribbing had only gotten worse when he'd corrected _I'm actually 6 and a half guys._ Pidge grinned broadly at him, but her expression turned thoughtful as she looked back toward Keith and Lance. She had actually been looking for them. She wanted to talk some stuff out, and figured that the raging queers in the cute as fuck new -wait, was it even a relationship?- would be good people to ask. 

"So uh, can I ask you guys something?" She scratched the back of her neck as she directed the question at them. Lance's interested was instantly piqued. Pidge rarely ever had questions for either of them. He exchanged a look with Keith and shrugged.

"So shoot." The Blue Paladin was careful to arrange himself into a relaxed and open manner, inviting ease. He seemed to sense Pidge's need for seriousness. He didn't let go of Keith's hand though. The Red Paladin looked painfully aware of this fact, but he didn't pull away. 

"Uh, well." Pidge started, glancing around uneasily as she slid down to sit by them. Shiro had picked up on her reluctance.

"Do you want Hunk and I to go?" He asked her gently. She bit her lip.

"No it's ok. No secrets between Paladins and all. But, um, can we keep to just us?" With a glance around to make sure neither of the Alteans, nor Emma were within earshot, she cleared her throat. Her face became flushed with pink and she couldn't meet anyone's eyes.

"Um, Lance, you're, Pan, right?" She risked a glance at him, but for once, not a single trace of mirth or smart arsery was wrote into his features. He nodded. "And, Keith, you're gay?" 

"That's right." Keith murmured quietly. Lance grinned at him. Pidge took a deep breath.

"Um, how, how did you guys know?" She swallowed, "that you, um, weren't straight I mean?" 

"Shit, Pidge, are you coming out? Is that's what's happening right now?" Hunk blurted, earning a pointed glare from the rest of the group.

"Wow Hunk. Delicately handled there. Good job buddy." Lance muttered dryly. Hunk had the grace to look abashed and Pidge groaned.

"Yes, I," She sighed, "I'm pretty sure that's what's happening." She admitted. "I've been having some pretty gay thoughts, and I, it really threw me." She slumped. "I always sorta figured that I was ace like Hunk, but wow am I ever not." 

"Wait, Hunk's ace?" Keith asked suddenly, looking between the group member incredulously. "But, I thought, with Shay..." He floundered for a moment, wondering what was going on. Hunk tsked him.

"First of all, I said that Shay was just a rock that I admired very much," He started, ignoring Lance's scoff at his obvious lie, "and second of all, I'm asexual, not aromantic." 

"What's how you smell got to do with it?" Keith asked. This time there was a kind of ripple effect of guffaws through the group, Keith was starting to get a scowl on his face. He didn't like when people had a laugh at his expense. 

"No, AROMANTIC, not aromatic." Pidge told him. The Red Paladin just stared at her, patiently waiting for some elucidation. 

"Ok, look, if you're asexual, you do not experience sexual attraction." Lance explained patiently. Keith nodded curtly. He knew that bit. The taller boy continued, "If your aromantic, you do not experience romantic attraction, and If you're aromatic, you have a pleasant fragrance." He flourished with his hand a little as Keith continued to nod his understanding.

"And if you're Automatic, Systematic and hyyyyyydromatic, why then you're GREASED LIGHTENING!" Shiro yelled hurriedly, then fist pumped. "Boom. Nailed it." Someone threw a cushion at him.

"Shiro, that was literally the dadest thing ever." Pidge told him, failing to keep the smile off her face. Shiro grinned.

"You can't call me an infant _and_ a dad. Pick one." He told her, throwing the cushion with a little to much force and knocking her glasses from her face.

"You gonna take that shit from a 6yo Pidge?" Lance encouraged. She grinned.

"I'm certainly not gonna take that shit from the man who turned my glorious coming out moment into a fucking dad joke!" She then launched herself at the oldest of them, who caught and wrangled her fairly promptly.


End file.
